An old friend wrote a beautiful post here that I would TOTALLY recommend reading. Nope. Scratch that, subscribe to her whole blog-- it's fantastic. God-glorify-ing-ly fantastic. She has a way of putting into words the things that get stuck swimming in my head. Things like finding God in the waiting rooms of life.
Most of the last year has been a waiting room for me. Waiting, rather impatiently most of the time, for a baby, or a child-- but a new member of our family. I've grown more and more anxious as day after day passes with a still empty crib in my home... an empty womb... two collapsed adoption plans... a phone silent with news that my family will grow anytime soon... as my plans, my dreams distance themselves further and further away from my reality.
2011 has been a battle ground for my content-ness. I have fought hard for what I thought I wanted--cried out, frequently and loudly, for the family I so much desire. Praise God he has met me in this midst, in this messy yuck season of my life-- not 'messy yuck' because of my circumstances, but 'messy yuck' because of the condition of my heart. Met me and is healing me. Holding me. Allowing me to remember where my true joy lies. What my real desires are. That my plans are childish and incomplete in comparison to the wondrous, perfect plans he has for me (jer 29). A perspective I can trust when I cannot see (is. 55). A character I can lean hard in to (ps 16; lk 11).
I posted this song in response to the work He is mending in me. Redeeming. Restoring. Making more like Himself. In spite of myself.
"And He is the point of all this waiting. For while we may be yearning for macaroni and cheese, a friend to visit, a man to marry, a baby to hold, a child that turns to the Lord, or a relationship to form or heal…while all these yearnings may be good and God-given. God may not give them…or He may just not give them immediately. He tarries, not to drive us crazy, but to drive us to Him. He waits, not to cause us to sin, but to turn us from the sin of loving these things more than we love Him."-Burning Bushes, April 2011
I took down the crib last week (*Jon did actually, because brave and obedient doesn't always translate into unemotional and handy). Not because i'm done waiting or angry or redecorating or for that weird thinking that it'll happen now that i'm not anticipating it. But because if there's never another baby to sleep there, Jesus is more than enough. Because instead of counting down days or stalking adoption websites, I will worship Him and glorify Him with a content heart. I will wait on Him. He is the point of the waiting. I believe it. I stumble through it, but I'm learning to mean it more and more each day. Learning to be content like Paul (phil 4). Learning that Jesus is Lord and not the idols I fail to recognize as such. God is so good to grant joy and hope for the journey. So blessed. So, so blessed and in love with our Gentle Shepherd.
How are you using your waiting room? Have you discovered He that doesn't leave or forsake yet?